Not Fit For Public: K9 Academy

Fine. Ok. I'm finally gonna do this. My most embarrassing story. Actually, if I really took inventory of all the embarrassing things I've done, said, walked in on, overheard, or been a part of in any way, even peripherally, it probably isn't at the top of the list.
However, I was so mortified when this happened, and so embarrassed, ashamed, and humiliated, I was sure that it would take the cake as far as awkward situations went. Just thinking about this story makes my face feel hot and my ears burn.
Ok, so now that I have you all thinking the WORST thing that could happen, I'll tell ya what it was and you'll think I hyped it up too much, therefore making it seem much smaller and you all won't think less of me. Isn't it great how psycho great my mind works?
This is my dog story. My "why I got kicked out of K9 Obedience School" story.
So after my husband and I bought our first house, we decided that we NEEDED a dog. We are dog people. And now we had a yard for a dog to run around in, so we decided to "adopt" a dog from the local Humane Society. Of course, you can't go to the HS without falling in love with at least half the dogs, especially the young ones. (although, nowadays, I tend to adore the older ones, let the crazy people deal with puppies, not I.)
There were 2 dogs available right away. A girl dog, who was all black, half Shar-Pei and half Black Lab. The other one was a CUTE little Border Collie with one blue and one brown eye. I WANTED THAT ONE. Husband wanted the other one. (see? already, you can tell, it's ALL his fault. I'm just sayin'.)
Anyway, I really didn't want a dog who ran around humping everything and lifting his leg on everything so I thought it would be better to get the female. And we did. We named her Panda. (get it? shar-pei being Chinese...panda's are in china...aren't i clever?)
Fast forward 9 months. She was a frisky puppy. Her favorite thing to do? Chew on stuff. Stuff you wouldn't even imagine a dog would chew on. Our barbecue for example. Or my brand new bike. She destroyed so many toys that we gave her, I lost count. You know what she did to em? She tore the butt out of every one of em! It didn't matter what kind of toy it was, even if it didn't technically have a butt, she found the one spot you might call a butt, and she tore it out! Eventually husband and I decided we needed to take her to Obedience School (OS). So I called the K9 Academy and signed us up. It was supposed to be a 10 week course where you take your dog to the local dog park and learn tricks of the trade on how to become more effective when giving your dog simple commands.
Husband worked until 6 and the first class was at 6:30, so he wouldn't be home by the time I needed to get Panda to the park. So I took her down there by myself and waited as long as I possibly could to get out of the car and make it up to the "registration" area.
I should've known at this point that things were not going to go well, because as we waited other dog owners would walk by with their dogs and MY dog would go bat crap crazy. Every.single.time.
Finally, we get out and I walk as best I can with a 70 pound dog basically pulling me up to the registration desk. My dog is freaking out. She can't decide who or what to bark at, but she knows she needs to bark at something.
As soon as we get to the area to sign her in, the man in charge of the class tells me that I need to get her a pinch collar. Have you all seen a pinch collar? It looks like a medieval torture device. It's all shiny and is made up of many multi-pronged poky things that when you pull on it, will pinch the dogs neck. Which is supposed to hurt. Thus, whatever bad behavior the dog is exhibiting, will immediately cease. (yeah, right.)
I was a little peeved by this, although I don't know why. By the end of my evening, I was ready for the full body pincher for the damn dog.
I put the collar on her and we make our way to the nearest far away tree. Know what I mean? I had to find some tree or something that was far away so she would leave people alone, but close enough that I could hear what was going on.
Soon the class begins. They ask us all to come up with our dogs and form a circle. Sounds easy. I bring Panda up and we get in the circle. You know what this means, right? Every dog is nose to ass. You know what that means, right? It's impossible to wave a dog's hiny in any dogs face without THAT dog sampling the aroma. My dog had her schnoz in the dog's butt in front of her before you could say, "Ew." I pulled her back. She went behind us and smelled that dog's butt. She started getting excited and going from dog to dog sniffing butts. She even sniffed a few human crotches on the way. At one point she started mounting another dog. Wha..? I didn't know female dogs mounted other dogs. (i'm thinking maybe i should've went with the male after all.)
All this time, I am JERKING on this pinch collar, really yanking on her to get her back, but she was full speed ahead. I was embarrassed and there were other dogs doing the same thing, but their pinch collars must've been working because their owners had way better control over them and were able to correct their behavior fairly quickly. The other people in the class were looking at me like I was a total idiot with a mental dog.
The "instructor" was yelling at me to get my dog in line. I'm trying to explain to him that I'm trying to get the dog in line, but it's not that easy....just give me a minute, here, okay? I finally (FINALLY!!!) get the darn dog over in line.
The instructors, who positioned themselves behind their registration table, and never.came.out.from.behind.it. commenced to instruct the people to follow these simple instructions: Get the dog on the shortest possible length of leash you can. Keep their heads up and right next to your thigh, head forward. Give the leash a small tug and say "heel" and start moving forward. Your dog is supposed to follow you, or actually, walk right next to you. Come to a stop, say, "heel" and when your dog stops, give him/her a treat.
Alright, simple enough. I do everything we're supposed to do, say, "heel" and move forward. Panda doesn't. Move forward, that is. She heads off to the side to her pal so she can sniff his butt. I yank the collar again to get her back to my side. She won't come. I'm at a stand still while the other people are miraculously getting their little mutts to move and obey commands. Not happening with Panda.
She's like a kid in a candy store. She can not stay away from butts!!! People are beginning to laugh at me and it's really disrupting the flow here. The instructors are getting irritated with me, I can tell. They're saying, "Move, move it. Get your dog under control...come on, you're taking up space and time here." I don't really say anything because I'm really embarrassed and I just want to get Panda away from these butts. (not the instructors, the dogs' butts.)
I figure we need a time out. I'm trying to drag her, literally, drag her out of the circle. The pinch collar does not phase her at all. The instructor pops off with this, "Look, lady, your dog is disrupting this whole class. These other people paid good money to bring their dogs here and they aren't getting anything out of it because of you. You need to get control of your dog." And he's yelling. He's not quiet about this little lecture. I tell him that I also paid good money for this class and I need help. At least find a way to help me get the dog away from these other dogs for now.
I look around and notice that everyone in the class, about 30 adults, all strangers, are staring at me. This one man, has this smirk on his face. Do you know what I'm talking about? That smug smirk. The one that guys in movies have on their faces right before they get punched in the mouth. This smirk completely infuriates me. I'm embarrassed, irritated, impatient and singled out. I.wanna.die.
I give the leash another tug, with all my weight and Panda yelps like I've killed her. This prompts the instructor to say, "You are not doing it right. You are wasting time here."
At this point, I hear this voice, this shrill, ugly, horrifying voice start. This is what she says, "THIS DOG WILL NOT FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTION! I'M TRYING TO GET HER OUT OF HERE SO THE REST OF THE CLASS CAN CONTINUE. YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME BY STANDING THERE YELLING AT ME! YOU ARE MAKING IT WORSE BECAUSE I CAN'T FOCUS ON DOING WHAT I NEED TO DO TOGETTHISDAMNDOGUNDERCONTROL. I AM DRAGGING THIS STUPID, G/D DOG ALL OVER THIS DAMN PARK AND SHE WON'T KEEP HER NOSE OUT OF OTHER DOGS' ASSES! ARE YOU GONNA HELP ME OR NOT?!"
I was so surprised that someone said that! And then I realized...IT.WAS.ME. I heard someone giggle. I saw smirks everywhere.
I could have died. Right there. I could've crawled into a hole. And then it happened. The instructor said, "If you can't control your foul mouth, you can leave this class, right now."
Oh, my cheeks are burning just remembering this. The reason this is so embarrassing to me, even now, is because although I admit to the occasional slip (remember I am the Cursing Crafter) and I do have a running dialogue of naughty words in my head, I NEVER say them in public. Never loud enough for anyone to hear, at least. Really.
And in this instance, not only have I done something that I have a rule not to do (cursing in public) but I yelled it. And I used the mother of all bad words. Not the F word. That one is offensive in itself. But the g/d word. The one curse word that is guaranteed to offend at least 90% of Americans. It's an ugly word. And one time I heard that every time God hears you say it, he cries. You see how this might bother me? And add to this, the fact that I've been asked to leave the class.
I'm so humiliated at this point, both by the dog and by my own "foul mouth" that I start to walk away, towards the car. I have the dog behind me, she's draggin' her butt the entire way, because she wants to stay and sniff more butts. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot my husband. He's just arrived to hear my public outburst and also my public dressing down by the guy in charge. I toss him the leash, wave and get in my car.
Speed home. Bawl the whole way. Curse the dog. Curse my mouth and unfortunate choice of words. Take a shower. Bawl some more. Think about ways to get rid of the dog. Vow to never go to another class after husband finishes this one that I abandoned to him. Forget about ever getting my money back.
Probably 3 months after this unfortunate incident, we gave Panda to my boss. Even though the K9 Academy was completely humiliating to me, and the dog obviously learned nothing from it, we still loved that darn pooch.
But we just couldn't support her chewing habit anymore. We figured she destroyed about 900 dollars worth of stuff in the time we had her. My boss and her daughter came to get her and took her to their home where she has lived ever since. I was able to go visit her a couple times and she was happy. As she got older she outgrew, to an extent, the chewing. She would be about 10 now, if she's still alive. I lost touch with the boss after I had my firstborn and became a stay at home mom.
Here are a few pictures of the devil, pain in the rear, naughty little darling.
Panda at about 3 months.

Look at that little wrinkly face...

Panda at about 6 months. Just a few months before our first K9 class.

In the next few months she gained a lot of muscle. She weighed in at about 70 to 75 pounds.

Even now, after 10 years, my husband will bring up that night when he wants to get a laugh. Hardy-freakin'-har.

And by the way: we're still dog people. We have 2 now, that we got when they were about 5 weeks old. One is 9 and the other is 7.I don't know...now that I'm reading over it, maybe it's NOT as bad as the time I floated an air biscuit in front of a completely silent home room class. While passing notes to the boy I had a crush on....
Or the time I threw up all over the restaurant table when my parents took my boyfriend and I out to a nice dinner...oh well. Such is my life.