Resolutions Resolved, Baby! And you can do it too!

As a known half-asser and also someone who can justify just about any, and really all, of my quirky behavior, you would think it would have taken less time for me to come up with a way to cheat the resolutions.

Don't freak out! I have, in fact, figured out a way, I'm just disappointed it's taken me 20 some years. However, as a justifier (is that a word?), I can tell you that the reason it took me so long is because I was working out the kinks.

I needed it to be fool proof. No loopholes. Air tight. I should be a lawyer.

A helpful hint: it's all in the wording.

Here's my list. It's pretty small. I'm really not ambitious, as you can probably tell.

1. Weigh Less

Note: I did not say lose weight.

Here's how I have met my goal already. I am carrying smaller purses.

Smaller purse = less stuff = less weight. Duh.

2. Eat At Home More

Note: I did not say home cooked.

A real simple way around this is that you can still eat "out." You just order it and bring it home. And voila, you're eating more at home!

3. No More Snap Judgments

Note: The key word here is Snap.

I will not make judgments about complete strangers. Quick judgments, that is. Unfortunately, as is a habit for probably most people, I can judge a person pretty quickly. Not on purpose. And I assume that they are all judging me too, so I don't feel too rotten telling you all this. I'm not saying that they are good or bad people, nothing that deep.

For example: The other day while in line at the check-out, I kept feeling something brush up against my butt. I figured it was a phantom butt grab. Haven't you ever felt something on your butt and nobody else is around?? No? Whatever.

I turned to see what it was and there was this really short woman standing right behind me. As in, right there. She smelled bad and was missing most of her teeth. Her hair was stringy and matted in places. She had a bottle of some sort of detergent. She was hopping around like a freakin' monkey on crack.

My first thought? Meth head. Crack ho.

Next time, in slowing down the snap judgement process...I will at least add the word Possible to my assessment. Possible meth head. Possible crack ho. This way I'm not committing to one quick judgment. See? I know, it sounds harsh. But the only difference between me and most people is that I'm willing to admit that I do it. Doesn't make it any better, but there it is.

4. Make an Eye Appointment.

This one is pretty easy. See, I went to the phone book, looked up eye doctors and I could still read the small print so I figure I'm good to go without an appointment for a while. Bonus!

5. Cuss less.

Note: that is so not gonna effing happen.

There ya go. My resolved resolutions. I feel better already.