My Anxious Child - Pouring My Heart Out

I know that I have been sort of hit and miss here lately with blogging. Short posts, reminders, and not much substance.

I've mentioned that I needed prayers and left it at that.

Today, finally, I'm ready to spill. I am going to link with Shell's Pour Your Heart Out series, too, in hopes that more people will read this. I want this to not be a struggle in vain; I want to help other parents with these same issues. I want to start a discussion with other parents, caretakers, etc, that will open the doors and shed some light on this problem and that will help us, as parents, to better care for our anxious children.

A lot of people don't think about this, are perhaps not aware of the problem that 1 out of 10 children have. You might scoff at only 10%, but when it's you who are dealing with it, you feel like that 10% is very significant.

What am I talking about?

I'm talking about my son. He is 8 years old and has always struggled with anxiousness. Maybe it doesn't seem serious. "Big deal. He's nervous. Whatever."

No, it is a big deal. His fears are irrational, but very real. They invade his little head and tell him things like, "Your mom isn't going to pick you up from school today. You'll be left here. Your mom is hurt. She's sick. She's dead."

Imagine you're having these thoughts daily. Now imagine you're only 8 years old.

You cry, you get sick to your stomach, you vomit and sometimes you begin to panic. If you've ever had a panic attack, you know how scary they are. You often feel as though you're going to die. Now imagine having one and, again, you're only 8 years old.

I had these issues when I was a little girl. My husband had them when he was a boy. Who were we to think that our children wouldn't come across this problem sooner or later?

When I was young, we didn't really have the help that is available today. Not only that, but I didn't show my anxiety on the outside. I internalized it and by the time I was 23 or so I had full blown Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Because irrational thoughts would sneak into my head and my brain's response was to try to "fix" the problem. If I performed certain rituals and calculations in my head, it would take care of the problem. Or so I thought.

Doing these things got to me. They made me tired. I got sick of taking 25 minutes to do some small task that should have taken 2 because I added all of my little "rules" and things to it.

I also didn't get much sleep at night because going to bed never meant going to sleep. I would lay there and think and worry and think and worry and around and around I went. I even quit praying to God because I somehow turned that into a ritual also. A ritual that I was frustrated with.

This lead then to depression. So you see...one little anxious thought can snowball. And often does, especially if you are a nervous person.

A few scary things happened this summer that really triggered my 8 year old's anxiety. Things that, at the time, scared me too. As an adult, I was able to move past these things and realize everything was okay; don't forget, but don't cling to them and move on.

His 8 year old brain has latched onto them and turned everything into a small crisis.

He is very concerned about something bad happening to me. He's worried that someone will hurt me. That I will get lost. That I will be sick. That I won't be able to come get him from school. He's trying to control this by controlling me. If he can look out the window at school and see my car there waiting, he knows that I'm okay. The problem is, I can't sit outside his classroom window all day to reassure him. Nor should I.

With the beginning of the school year, parents of anxious children know that there will be a period of adjustment with your child. There always has been for me and my boy.

This year it has reached a point where I know that I can no longer bolster him through it and try to carry the burden on my own. I need outside help.

He needs help. He wants help.

Along with some other methods including a friend who specializes in child psychology, a visit with my childrens' pediatrician and getting his school administrators involved so that they know we are not dealing with a "problem child" or someone with "behavioral issues," here, I have done much research online to see what programs might be available.

Last week, in the throes of panic (i told you i'm a little anxious, myself, right?) I contacted a company online that provides a step by step program to help your child take control of their fears and ultimately be the victor in the battle of the thoughts and accompanying bad feelings that result. It is called Turnaround: Turning Fear Into Freedom.

I was surprised, pleased and relieved when I received a message the next day from the creator of the program. He agreed to help me. He agreed to send me the program for free in hopes that it could help my boy. I offered to, in exchange for the materials, do a series of blog posts about our journey through this program.

And, yes, I said our journey. As a parent who is particularly in tune with anxiety I know that it is not my boy's journey, alone. It is our family's journey. We are all in it. Yes, my son will have to do the lion's share of the work. God knows that we can't reach in and pluck out the bad thoughts and stomp on them for him. It's something that he has to do on his own. And he wants to. Lord, please know how he wants to.

I received the Turnaround program Monday afternoon. I had told my son that it was on its way and it was going to help him. He had been waiting on pins and needles for it to come.

We dove right in on Monday night. He listened to the first in a ten part series of CD's that introduced him to other children who also have anxiety. Child actors portray the parts of children that have anxieties similar to those that yours may have. They were based on the creator and his co-creator's experience in counseling children with anxiety.

Together, these children go on a hiking trip. All of them talk about their anxieties and problems as they go. 2 doctors and other peer helpers who have already done the program accompany the children as they work their way both to their destination they are hiking to, and ultimately, their destination of turning their fear into freedom.

I have just really simplified the program, it actually works on so many different levels. One thing I'm extremely grateful for is that it allows the dialogue between my child and I to stay open. He gets tired of talking about his worries and the problems they cause him. But this program, in listening to the stories of other children, allow us to have an honest and frank discussion. Discussing the "big bad worry" can often times get it into the open and "shrink" the problem.

There are 2 CD's just for parents. My husband and I listened to them on Monday and Tuesday. They get into more specific information about your child's anxieties, what names they give to particular disorders, and really get to the meat of the problem and how to get to the root cause. This would be extremely boring and make no sense to your child.

But the 10 part story involving other kids in a fun setting does make sense to your child. I listen to them with him and our younger son every night. We've only done 2 so far, but I plan on listening to them all, with my boys.

After you listen to the CD, your child is asked to get out his Journal. The Journal is a workbook created to go with the program. In it, the child is asked to name their fear. An important process in helping them to understand just what it is they are afraid of. Did you know that some kids don't even know? They are just generally scared, for no apparent reason. At least, none you can see, or even themselves can put a name on.

My son was delighted to draw a picture of his fear as requested in the workbook. He could make it ugly and irritating and all that stuff that he sees it as. He was able to take it out of his head and put it on paper. He named it. He made it real and put it out there for us to see. This is so important, I believe, in helping him to see that it's not him. He is not his problem.

The next thing he had to draw was what he would do to the fear if he could. He proudly drew the fear and then drew himself punching it. Seriously, it was cute because he drew the fear with a frown face because he had just walloped it.

It's Wednesday and he has been working with the program since Monday. There were no tears before school today. Well, okay, there were tears, but once we got in the car, he was good.

Considering last week he cried all the way to school and ultimately, Friday, ended up walking into the school sobbing, we are making progress. And, don't judge me for sending my boy to school sobbing. It's the hardest thing ever...I felt like I had run a marathon every morning, in getting him to school. The emotion was overwhelming. Hence, the absence online. Also, so I make this clear, he is not having a problem with school. He has many friends. His teacher loves him. He is a very good student. His worry is that something will happen to me while he is away from me.

The thing is, and the thing that I love about this program so far, is that it's not a cure. The men who created it have anxious children themselves, and they know as well as anyone that this is not something you can cure overnight. It's not something that will even be cured after we are finished with the program.

What the program does, is to give your child the tools they need to lay a serious smackdown on their fear.

For anyone with a child who has anxieties and fear, you know that your world is consumed with it. It creeps into everyday activities and can ruin them for you and more importantly, your child.

And it's frustrating on so many levels because you, as a parent, can't take control of the situation and banish it. How I wish we could!

I'm seeing now, that even though I'm not doing it for him (i can't.),  I'm working on it with him. I'm empowering him, with my help, the help of this program and any other opportunities I can extend to him, in overcoming his fear.

I don't have unrealistic expectations. I don't think that he's going to be magically better any time soon. In fact, his fear might pop up every stinkin' day. But this will help him to mentally beat the crap out of that fear before it consumes him.

It will ultimately give him confidence in himself that he is the boss of his thoughts. He is in control of his mind and his body. In this confidence, I can see that perhaps the occasions of panic and fear will lessen.

I used to think I was being punished by having a child with anxieties. Somehow I did something wrong. I thought it was horrible that he had them and that it was somehow my fault.

Now, though, I'm beginning to see it as a blessing. God knew what he was doing when he chose me and my husband to have this beautiful, sensitive, caring little boy to be our own. He knew that we would see the problem. He knew that we could empathize with it and help him to deal with and overcome it.

As I am able, I will be sharing my thoughts on this program and the progress we are making with it. I don't expect it to be a smooth ride. I even expect to sometimes go a step forward and two back. I'm being real and I'm going to keep it real with you.

I'm doing this in hopes that it will help other parents struggling with this. You may not even know that this is what is plaguing your child. Think about it and ask yourself, "Is this behavioral issue actually anxiety at it's root cause?"

I don't expect all of you to even still be reading. You're probably bored and wondering who's blog you stumbled on as you don't see jokes about boogers and pee.

I don't expect any of my posts about this topic will be funny. But guess what...it's a part of me. I'm not a one trick pony. I am fiercely devoted to my children and to being their advocate. It's my job and I take it seriously.

As I walk with my son through this bramble of unpleasant emotions, I believe writing about it will be cathartic for myself. In this way, it's selfish of me. See, I need help too. I need support. I need to know that I'm not the only one who deals with this. I want commiseration. Misery loves company, right?

I know that we've just begun the journey and that we are in for the long haul. I will update here about it as much or more for myself and my son (who may read this when he's older and find peace and understanding in it.) than for readers.

I ask that the next time you see a boy or girl, who seems "too old to be crying" about something...to really think about it. Focus on the fact that this child may be having the struggle of their young lives going on in their head right now. And even though you, as an adult, know that it's not a real thing, their brains are telling them that it is. Their brains are sending their little bodies into panic, fight or flight circumstances.

 It's very real to them.

Obviously, not all children who are crying are having this struggle. But mine is. And it's my boy who I care about, love more than life and am responsible for.

The other kids might just be brats who bawl too much. Who knows? But I don't think I will ever look at them the same because you just. never. know.