Monday, September 10, 2012

How to Trim an Apple Tree


Not recommended for sane people, people with fear of heights, neighbors or emergency rooms. Also not recommended if you are wanting to preserve the "beauty" of the tree. Assuming the tree is cared for and has any beauty left.

Here's the story:

When we moved into our house approximately 8 years ago, we didn't realize that the next door neighbors were complete douchecanoes. Of course that wouldn't be in the realty contract, now would it? I think we should make that a clause...

Anyway. These neighbors have caused us grief in the past but we all pretty much ignore each other to the point of awkwardness and pain now.

Unfortunately the apple tree couldn't afford us the same level of distasteful aloofness. Okay. Seriously? I just spent 10 minutes, easy, trying to figure out a way to say that I wish the tree would ignore I was like, the same level of "ignore-ance? ignorance?" but I was positive that wouldn't make sense. Ugh. I need a nap.

So here's a picture of our yard.

ignore that poopoo colored house across the street. they're re-siding it. and have been for about 2 years. sheesh.

As you can see by the professional diagram type information, their tree is that big green one that is pushing our poor, beautiful pink flowering cherry blossom tree out of the way and taking over.

What you can't see is that their tree was growing out to the sides but also had big branches extending into our front yard.

When the branches got too heavy with the apples...the apples would drop. The following pictures show some of the mess AFTER I had spent an hour and a half dodging bees and picking the apples up and tossing some of them into the neighbor's yard but most in our yard waste can. What. At least I'm honest. I rather enjoy chucking rotten apples into their front yard.

there are a bunch of rotten apples in that bush, and a few in the flower bed part.

here are some apples that are rotted...they fall from the tree already rotten, so they're not actually salvageable. they ferment and stink. and draw bees.

here they are in the road. it turns into apple sauce out there...they get flattened by cars and ferment, stink and draw bees out there too.

yum. apple pulp.

if you look close you can see bees, i think.

So you get the picture, right? Haaaa. No pun intended. Or maybe so.

The kids were having a hard time playing basketball in our driveway because the apples fell all day long, cracked open and swarms of bees were flying around our front yard. Not to mention how impossible it was to try to clean them up without getting stung.

So I bitched and moaned about it on Facebook. That's what you do when something frustrates you and you really don't have the means to fix it. Right?

My mother in law tells me that when they visit that weekend they're going to bring their chainsaw. Of course I 'm partly giddy partly worried. If we start hackin' on that tree the neighbor is going to kill us! Or at least show us his butt crack. Again.

Well, turns out that whatever parts of the tree that are extending into our yard or our property are open to our crazy chainsaw wielding relatives brand of tree trimming. Yay!

 meet: my father in law. the one in the cowboy hat. this was right before he literally cranked up his chainsaw and started climbing the ladder. 

now it's the hubs' turn to go up. notice he is only taking a handsaw. we couldn't afford that e.r. bill, trust me.

 the truck had been parked on the sidewalk, on the grass, half on the road, half off...everywhere. see. ya can't trim a tree without putting a sheet of plywood over the back of the bed of the truck, balancing a 24 ft ladder on it and climbing right up to the top. nope.

 look ma! no hands! ugh...

 this is about the time i noticed he was bleeding. again.

there he is again. that father in law of mine loves him some projects, lemme tell ya. he actually told us it was more fun than he'd had in a while. what a weird-o! 

so here you can see the apple tree is all hacked up and in our yard. if you look close you can see the limbs that were cut in the tree...big 'ol yellow circles of tree trunk that were chopped. makes me happy.

it's really hard to tell, but we cut off everything that was hanging over our yard and pushing our tree which you can see, in real life, is actually bowed to the left a little because of the force of the crappy apple tree. the crapple tree. haha! good one, mims.

The last picture is about halfway through clean of our sweet friends happened to be passing by and offered us the use of their wood chipper. Bonus! We had it all trimmed and cleaned up in about six hours time.

Now I can sit in my living room or on my front porch and hear the SPLAT SPLAT of rotten apples falling to the ground and splitting open...or hear them land on cars driving by...or see them getting smooshed to smithereens in the road...and just laugh.

Because those bastids aren't in my yard and aren't my problem anymore.

And that is how you trim an apple tree.



becca said...

sweet no more apple sauce in the driveway though I was thinking maybe mud pies with apple frosting for dessert..I kid got to love fearless men who wield chainsaws.

VandyJ said...

I would totally have issues with the bees of nothing else. I have scary memories of apple picking with my mom as a kid. We did it every stinking fall.
I like my apples from the grocery store, thank you very much.

Furry Bottoms said...

That was so nice of FIL to do that for you!! :) Has the buttcracker said anything about it yet?

Sarah Kate said...

Now that is taking care of business!!! :o) Was this the same neighbor that saw you freak out over the spider??

Heathers Happenings said...

Too bad you couldn't cut the whole tree down! Has the douchebag neighbors said anything?

stephanie said...

should have gone all george washington on it. wait was the a cherry tree? whatever.

samantha said...

Bahahaha perfect! Sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands. Enjoy that splatting sound for a while!

McVal said...

Yay! Good on you!!!! Ok - were your neighbors home that day???

Sheila said...

hahha!!! You go girl! I think I LOVE your in-laws!!!! That is awesome!!
And another reason why i live in the country!
And i have to know too - were the asshat neighbors home when you did this?

Connie Weiss said...

Oh my gosh! That is awesome.

Did you neighbor say anything?

Jessica said...

That is awesome. And brave.

Jessica said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ducky said...

You did it! AWWWWWWWWWWsome!

Knuckle bump

Chest Bump

Wigglie fingers and all that other good stuff!

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

They never said a word? I mean I know it's within your legal rights to do that, but they never reacted at all?

Steph said...

YES! I've been waiting for this story. Read about it on facebook!

Did the neighbor say anything to you or your husband?

Freaking crapple trees!

Mama-Face said...

oh my gosh-I had a heart attack just seeing the pictures of your FIL and husband on the ladder!!!

Good for you for taking care of that frikken tree. Have you heard anything from the neighbor?


Liz @ Sugarplum Creations said...

Good for you, Darlin'! Bees scare the living daylights out of me, and I hate rotten, stinky, crapple messes!! So glad it's taken care of. Have the neighbors said or done anything???

Emmy said...

Love love it!! Though that is seriously the scariest ladder set up I have ever seen! Yikes! Glad no one got hurt.

Did your crazy neighbors come out ever during the process??

Xazmin said...

Yes, please tell...what did the neighbor do/say?

Mrs. Petrie said...

You must have been holding your breath the whole time they were working! The tree looks way better.

Jess Toons said...

WOW! I'm impressed you guys can trim your own trees, I've always been told to hire a professional tree trimming company. What made you decide to do it yourself?