Thursday, January 24, 2013

My Dog

I'm guessing I've told you all before that we have 2 pups here in France.

They're not really pups, actually, they're 12 and almost 11.

One of them is a Pomeranian. He's quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever done just to prove a point.

See, a long time ago, well, I guess about 11 years ago, a lady I worked with had a dog that had a litter of pups. Pure bred Poms.

Now, I've never been a fan of the yappy dog. In fact, I might have accidentally flung one across the floor once. She wasn't hurt, promise.

Anywho. I told my husband about this litter of pups and how adorable they were. Adorable!! I didn't want one super bad but I wouldn't say no if someone gave me one.

We already had one dog, not quite two years old. But these little babes were for sale and oh so cute. I asked my husband if I could have one just to see what he said. Know what he said?

He said NO. In fact, I think the big 'ol brat actually forbade me from getting one.

If you know me at all you know that was the. stupidest. thing. ever. for someone to say to me.

The next day I found myself on my way home with a cute little black ball of fur who wouldn't quit whining and bawling.*

I don't remember my husband getting mad or anything but he never really wanted another dog, especially a Pom.

Neither did I.

But, there ya go. Immature woman trying to prove that nobody could tell her no about anything. Ever.

What's that? You want to loan me a knife to cut off my nose? To spite my face? The hell you say. **eyeroll**

Lemme tell ya about this little dog, though. His name is Murphy. He isn't overweight but he is a large Pomeranian. Close to 30 lbs.

He whines a lot. A. LOT.*

He has so much hair I'm pretty sure you could get 25 Locks of Love wigs out of him. In fact, his hair is the bane of my existence. For real. Today? I found a hair about 6 1/2 inches long on my couch. Not mine. HIS. This is one of the main reasons the dogs are not allowed on my furniture. I hate the hair! It's gross when you get up and have hair all over your clothes. Ick.

He's been confused for a girl. A lot. My little boys used to always refer to him as "her."

"She looks like a lion, mommy!" Cue Murphy slinking under the bed to get away from the insult.

He's actually a very smart little sh*t. He hoards toys. He growls anytime our older dog gets near him when he's got something he doesn't want to give up.

One time, he stole a toy from our other dog and hid it in his hiding place. Under the bed in the spare room.

We scolded him and told him to go get that toy, right now! Naughty boy. He went in and got it. Brought it out almost all the way to us, but to maintain some sort of dignity, he dropped it before he got all the way to us.

He's got the stinkiest breath ever. It's so bad it would curl your butt hair. If you had butt hair, that is.

I'm pretty sure if he was an adolescent or teen that he'd be the one with the black trench coat hiding numerous weapons.

One time we took him to the groomer and when he came home, with a bright red bandana, he was ashamed. He had his tail tucked and hid all night. But if you let me or my husband get after him with clippers? He's fine. Even though he usually ends up with at least one bald spot. Right near his ass, usually. He doesn't care, though. Guess he thinks it gives him some street cred when he's chasing raccoons up the tree in the back yard.

He licks. He's a licker. You pet him? He can't control it. You tell him NO and he looks at you and I swear, you can see him processing..."do not lick, I'm not supposed to lick"...BOOM there's his little pink tongue out quick as a flash, the lickee (usually me) acts like she's been gut shot and yelps...and there he is...ears back, looking ashamed.

"I'm sorry. I can't help it," he says. I know. I believe you, you hairy little licker. I do.

Sometimes, he just sits on the floor, panting, and gives me the side eye. His eyes are wide open, almost buggy, and he's lookin' at me out the corner of em kind of like, "I'm watchin' you, bitch."


I think he loves me. He sits at my feet or near me all day long. Today I actually got up to get the mail and I stepped on his hair. Mind you, my foot was maybe 12 inches way from his actually body, but his freaking 80's rock star hair got stepped on anyway.

He literally screamed like a girl. Scared the crap out of me. I, very ninja-like, executed a series of ass breaking moves to avoid killing him with my big 'ol butt falling on his face. It hurt. I'm not gonna lie, I might have said a really bad word.

He's okay. I'm okay. He's been by my side for the rest of the day, like white on rice or stink on poop. Right. There. It's like he's trying to apologize. Poor guy.

Doesn't realize he's gassing me out with his stinky breath!

Actually, here's a shot of me right now! I'm trying to breathe without dying here.

So I really don't know where I was going with this post. Is it one of those stories with a moral? The moral of the story: Don't get a dog just because your husband told you not to? Some dogs have stinky breath? Watch out for the side eye from my Pomeranian?

I really have no clue now that I'm here. 

I'm not asking for advice for bad dog breath because I already know why it's stinky and what to do for it. He's been to the vet, he just has some bad teeth that aren't ready to come out, I'm sure, that are icky. He's old, don't judge.

I guess I'll leave you with some pictures of my hairy little emo dog. 

Murphy in his lair. I think he pants because his hair is so hot. He almost looks like he's giving me the side eye here. He probably is. He's asked not to ever be featured on Living in France, but you're not going to tell, are you? Please don't tell on me.

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's Bigfoot?? Hi, Murphy. Been frolicking in the grass? I see it hangin' off your arse, there.

She's  He's really a pretty little thing, isn't he?

Anyway. There ya go. My psycho, hairy, stinky, licky, neurotic, hoarding little doggy. 

*murphy hasn't stopped whining and bawling since the day i brought him home. for the love of everything canine, he needs to put a sock in it!


Dee said...

He's got to be the biggest pom I've ever seen, but he's a cutie! You know I can totally relate on the whole dog thing...ugh!

Ricki Jill Treleaven said...

Aw! I can certainly tell he's full of personality. I'm such a dog lover. Thanks for sharing your Big Bad Pom with us!

Sarah Kate said...

Look at all that fur! I'm pretty sure if you shaved him, he'd be 10 pounds instead of 30!

I think the neurotic dogs are the most fun ones. Maybe because they remind me of myself. ;o)

Furry Bottoms said...

OMG what a hairy pom!!!! But you're right, he is absolutely pretty! And maybe he is whining because hes trying to talk?

You love him very much though, don't you? I know you do. He does too.

Vodka Logic said...

Looking over my shoulder my daughter said he looked scarey .. I have to agree. Actually those small yappy dogs scare me more than the big ones.

Still no dog here.. best not meet anyone with puppies or I'll be a goner too.

becca said...

that is one fluffy dog

Xazmin said...

He is big for a Pom.

You realize you've now become one of those people who blogs about their dog, right? ;)

You know I hate the hair thing too. I'm actually so ornery about having a dog right now. Now that baby is close it makes me crazy anytime I see a hair ANYWHERE.

Emmy said...

Wow he does have a lot of hair! And yea you sure told told your husband huh? ;)

McVal said...

lol! That's what Dimetap is for!
Oh. that one picture of him makes him look like a Wolverine. And he could seriously hide some dangerous things in that black coat of his. wow!

Connie said...

That is one big ball of fur!!!

I had a friend with a little dog that licked. She's yell LICKER at him when he dd it and it always made me want a drink.

tara said...

OMG. i love him!!!!!! his hair is fabulous!

stephanie said...

he is amazing!! I want to snuggle him! wearing all black only obvi.

Kelley @ said...

Holy fat dog batman! LOL! Im kidding Murphy. Please dont gas, side eye or whine at me. You are a very pretty boy :)

Jessica said...

Great post..had me laughing!

Heathers Happenings said...

Dang that is a big pom!

I lost it when I got to the part about he was a teen he would be the one with the black trench coat! Bwahahaha!

Steph said...

Hilarious! I think he is just misunderstood.

Miss Angie said...

Holy cow, he is a big pom! My grandma had a couple of little mixes... They were Chihuahua/Pomeranian/Poodle/whate-ever-else-heinz-57-dogs.

The one that got the most Pom in her (she looked just like a little pom) was such a brat! Always whining, growling biting, etc.!

Jen said...

Hahaha!!! Oh my gosh..that is a LOT of hair. And he does look like a lion, but don't tell him I said that or he might whine some more ;)

Sela Toki said...

LMBO He's hideous looking on that very first picture. But I know how adorable they are. I have 3 puppies here and they are the "bane" of my existence. It's only because my youngest threaten never to speak to me again if I get rid of them. POM is soooo hairyy. We just love our puppies, don't we? Bad breath and all.

Annmarie Pipa said...

oh we just love these 4 legged family members, don't we?!

shauna nosler said...

A lion indeed - bet they make good snuggle buddies :)

Ducky said...

I just peed a little. I got to the pictures and it happened....uncontrollable laughter. I feel your pain on the licking thing. Zena is a licker...compulsively unless you manage to only be near her when she is sleeping. Thankfully the current level of static electricity in the house has her backing off that whole licking thing due to the shock strength straight to the tongue...but she is a licker nonetheless.

That is the BIGGEST pom I have ever seen!